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Love language is a term that's used to describe the way that people like to express and receive love. But it's more than a buzzword—knowing your love language can help you figure out why you behave the way you do in relationships, and even why you might get annoyed when your partner doesn't do certain things for you.
Meaning, you feel most loved (and express your love for others) through telling others how you feel about them. The phrase "I love you" may carry a deeper meaning for you than for people who have other love languages. People with this love language value time spent together. They prefer to spend a lot of time with their partner, whether it's just hanging out or doing a special date together.
People who have physical touch as their love language crave physical affection and dole it out easily. Holding hands, kissing, sex, and anything where you can touch is how you show affection and prefer to receive it. This love language focuses on doing things to try to make someone else happy, even if it means you have to sacrifice something.
People who have this love language feel the most loved when they're given thoughtful or meaningful gifts. They also typically express their love for others by giving them personalized gifts. Not sure what your love language is? Take this quiz to find out. A. Tries hard to make quality time for us.
Make a point to have great sex, with plenty of cuddles afterward. E. Splash out on the perfect present. A. Planned a special outing or vacation, just for us. B. Written a poem, special card, or song for me. C. Took time off work to be with me. D. Held me all night.
Gave me a really special gift. A. Anything where we can build new memories together. B. Something where we can go someplace and just talk. C. Volunteering together. D. Getting a couples massage. E. Being surprised with a thoughtful night out. A. Always having someone to hang out with. B.
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C. Having someone help you out in life. D. All the cuddles and kisses. E. Coming up with fun gifts to show you care. : Your love language is quality time. You really appreciate those one-on-one moments with your partner and do your best to try to create special times with them.
An "I love you" goes a long way for you, and it means a lot to you to hear compliments or that your partner is thinking of you when you're not together.: Your love language is acts of service. You feel special when your partner goes out of their way to do thoughtful gestures for you, like making your coffee in the morning.: Your love language is physical touch.
A love language is best described as the way you like to express and receive love. The idea was originally proposed by counselor Gary Chapman in 1992. Chapman identified 5 love languages, each with their own unique qualities. The five love languages are as follows:Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, While you may find that more than one of the 5 love languages resonates with you (who doesn’t love spending time with a loved one or receiving small gifts?), most people have a main love language that trumps the rest.
The 5 love languages include words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and more. Partners with different love languages may feel a disconnect in how each one shows love. That's why it's important to demonstrate love in a way that is meaningful to your partner. There are many ways you can show love to your partner, but depending on your partner's love language, some may work better than others.
"People have different desires and needs in a relationship," says Samantha Saltz, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice. "Recognizing a partner's love language helps a person make sure their partner's needs and wants are being met," Saltz says. Issues can arise in a relationship when two partners have different love languages but don't realize it.
This can include saying "I love you," giving compliments, or acknowledging the things you do well. Here's what you should do to make someone with this love language feel cared for: People with this love language respond better to words than actions. "They thrive on being told how their spouse feels rather than an action provided to them," says Saltz.
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If your partner wants words of affirmation, it's often best to keep it simple and just say how you feel. "Don't worry about over-doing it. Don't worry about repeating yourself," Woodsfellow says. "Think of acts of service as actions that can be physically done in order to make a significant other feel cared for," Saltz says.
If your partner likes acts of service, be sure to:"People who value acts of service may enjoy some things that are old-fashioned," Saltz says. Opening doors or offering to pay for a date with your partner can make them feel loved. Making your partner a cup of coffee or tea can be a small act of service that makes your partner feel appreciated.
This can be traditional gifts like roses or jewelry, but can also be anything your partner likes. "Imagine if it was their birthday once a month. What would they want?" Saltz says. Here's how to show love to a partner who responds best to gifts: "Find things you can give frequently," Woodsfellow says.
People who value gifts also like the thoughtfulness behind a gift – give your partner an item that shows you understand them."Presentation means a lot," Woodsfellow says, so you may also want to invest in gift wrap. People who value quality time appreciate the time you spend together with undivided attention.
This means that just listening to your partner may not be enough, and it can help to add in some physical affection. It's important that touch in your relationship isn't only related to sex. "They need affection, which is separate from sex," Woodsfellow says. In many cases, your love language may be different from your partner's, but this isn't necessarily a problem.
To make someone feel loved, it's important to use their love language. "Find gentle ways to ask them to do things that will make you feel loved too," Woodsfellow says.
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A. With my loved ones, to hear their life experiences.
A. The Love Styles test is a personal inventory that allows you to measure and understand how you like to give and receive love in romantic relationships. It measures a concept similar to the five love languages, which was developed in the 1990's by psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, but with some key improvements based on Truity's empirical research.
A. Please visit our information page on the 7 Love Styles. A. This test won't predict who you are compatible with, but it can help you to understand how to be a better partner to whoever you choose! The concept of love styles is not to pigeonhole people or limit the kinds of relationships they can be in.
Through this understanding, you will be better able to communicate with your partners, friends, and even family members about how you can better make each other feel connected, appreciated, and loved. A. The Love Styles test consists of 50 multiple choice questions and takes about 10-15 minutes to complete. A.
However, you can purchase a more comprehensive full report. A. This test has been researched extensively to ensure it is valid and reliable, using a variety of statistical methods. It is based on our original research, on over 500,000 participants, to discover the underlying themes in how we show and accept love.
After completing the test, you will get a basic, free summary showing how you scored for each of the seven love styles. After reviewing your summary, you have the option to unlock your full, in-depth report for a fee. A. After you take a test, you will have the option to create an account by entering your email address.
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We do not email your results to you. A. If you’ve created an account and are logged in when you take the test, your responses will be saved as you go through the test. If you do not log in to a Truity account before starting the test, your progress will not be saved and you will need to complete the test all at once.
None of our tests are appropriate for children under the age of 14. Some of our tests may have mature content, and anyone younger than 18 should only take the test with parental guidance. A. We do not sell your email or other data to any third parties, and we have a zero-spam policy.
Gifts do not have to cost a lot of money. They simply show, “Hey, he was thinking of me today.” Acts of service: These are actions, not physical gifts. Examples include having dinner ready when your spouse gets home from work, washing your partner’s car, giving your spouse a foot rub at the end of the day, etc.
Acts of service and quality time are similar in that they are both gifts of time. However, quality time involves moments together. Acts of service are thoughtful efforts. Physical touch: This is physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, being intimate, etc. According to Dr. Chapman, each person has a primary and secondary love language.
For example, some people feel disconnected from their spouse if they do not spend enough quality time with one another. Others may go for weeks without seeing each other, but they feel love through words of affirmation. A person’s secondary love language has less value than the primary love language, but it still communicates love to them.
You appreciate thoughtful acts the most, but you also feel loved when you receive an unexpected item. There is an extra layer of complexity that must be taken into consideration. How you instinctively give love may not be the same as how you receive love. These factors usually align, but not always.
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It's all about being intentional, and offering up affirmations that are "very much in tune with what's going on with them," De, Geare says..
The concept of love languages has been around for almost 30 years, and it has been written about on 8 million blog posts since then. But! We’ve never talked about it on Cup of Jo, and I’m curious to hear about yours. This week, I was talking on the phone to my friend… And she told me a fascinating story.
On the phone, my friend told me how she had once picked up her husband’s dry cleaned shirts, brought them home and hung them on the bedroom door. When he saw them, he turned to her and said, “You love me.” Another time, she wrote long list of reasons she loved him, from his brilliant mind to his dark wavy hair.
Have you heard about the five love languages and are wondering, "what is my love language?" Knowing your love language can make your relationships more fulfilling and stress-free, but first you have to figure out what your love language is. We've created a fast, highly-accurate love language quiz for you to learn where each love language ranks in priority for you.
A love language is how a person expresses and/or receives love. The term and the names of the five love languages were originally coined by author Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. According to Chapman, each person has one primary love language which is the way they prefer to show and receive love.
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1. A tangible gift shows love more than words. 2. It's very rude when someone is distracted by their phone during a conversation. 3. Your partner should regularly compliment you. 4. It's important to schedule a regular date night. 5. The best way to show someone you care is completing a chore neither of you particularly enjoy.
You frequently put your arm around your partner or hold hands when you're together. 16. Sharing how much you love your partner on social media is a good way to show your appreciation for them. 17. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having someone to try new hobbies with.
Frequent texting or talking on the phone will never make up for a lack of in-person time with your partner. 22. If one partner is feeling overwhelmed, the other has an obligation to take up some of their chores. 23. You frequently save kind notes and messages your partner has given you to look back on.
Being together with your partner, even if you're just watching a movie and not talking, is important for keeping the relationship strong. 28. One of the most important things in a relationship is regularly telling your partner how great you think they are. 29. You often drop hints to your partner about gifts you'd like to be given.
They just aren't as necessary for you to show and receive love. In the next section we give an overview of what each of the love languages are. Now that you've taken the love language quiz, it's time to learn more about each of the love languages and your primary love language in particular.
People with this love language show how much they care for their partner by completing chores or other tasks. They feel that, when a partner takes time to do a chore that is necessary but not particularly enjoyable, they're showing how much they care about the relationship. If this is your love language, you probably often think about how you can reduce your partner's workload and greatly appreciate it when they step up to reduce yours.
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Holding hands. Sitting close to each other on the couch. Greeting and saying goodbye with a hug and/or kiss. If your primary love language is quality time, then you want to have regular in-person contact with your partner. However, sitting on the couch while you both scroll through your phones doesn't cut it.
Even if both partners have busy schedules, people with this love language expect to see each other often, even if it means changing around other events in the calendar. Going out to dinner and making a pact to not look at your phones. Trying a new hobby together. Setting up a regular date night.
For people who particularly value receiving gifts, the monetary value of the gift is not the important part; instead, it's the thought and time that their partner put into choosing it. This makes it very similar to the other love languages. To show any of them requires thoughtfulness and effort, and the end result may be a verbal compliment, a task being completed, or (as in this case) a literal gift being given.
Expressing appreciation for your partner. Saying "I love you." Encouraging your partner, especially when they are struggling. Now that you know your love language, how can you use it to make your relationships stronger? The power behind love languages is that they help partners understand each other's expectations and have a roadmap to meeting them.
When love languages aren't being taken into account, someone could be putting in a lot of effort into a relationship, but their partner might not realize it because their love language isn't being met. Let's take an example of a couple named Ezra and Taylor. Ezra's love language is physical touch, and Taylor's is acts of service.
However, Taylor may still feel that her needs aren't being met if Ezra doesn't help out with chores or step up when she has to spend late nights at the office. Similarly, Taylor may frequently do Ezra's chores when he forgets or doesn't have time for them, but, if she doesn't make an effort to increase her physical affection with Ezra, he may still feel like his needs aren't being met.
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This is untrue. It can sometimes be easier for two people with the same love language to get along in a relationship because it's more obvious how they can meet their partner's needs, but any pairing of love languages can be successful. In Taylor and Ezra's case, the solution isn't for either of them to change who they are or what they need from a relationship.
This could mean Ezra doing laundry when Taylor has a busy schedule and Taylor making an effort to hold hands more when she and Taylor are on walks. Meeting someone's love language doesn't mean the relationship won't encounter any problems and, like all relationship advice, it needs to be used with frequent and honest communication.
What is your love language? Love languages help couples learn more about how their partner shows and hopes to receive love. There are five love languages: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and quality time. Our love language test can help you determine your own primary love language and see how the other love languages rank for you.
Enneagrams are another important way to learn about yourself and how you interact with others. Read our guide on the 9 enneagram types to learn more about your own enneagram type! to learn which jobs you'll be happiest and most successful at! Hoping to get to know someone better? Try out one of our 127 icebreaker ideas to get the conversation started! .
If you or your partner is very sexually active but can take or leave other forms of touch, Physical Touch is not the primary love language. Likewise, if you or your spouse is not overly interested in sexual intimacy but feels love most through subtle touches, Physical Touch may be the primary language.
The things you do to show love for your partner indicate a feeling that love is best expressed in those ways. How you show your partner love can expose how you want to receive love. Consistently helping with chores or performing little acts that help unburden your partner likely means you place Acts of Service at the top of the list.
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These tips can help you answer this question: What is my love language? Once you find your love language, you can start communicating with your partner about how to speak it. There are circumstances that make it hard to find your love language. If you’ve been happy and living with a full tank for a while, you may not be able to distinguish why.
If your love tank has been empty for a long time, you may not be sure what makes you feel loved. You may feel desperate for love in more than one way. The time since you’ve felt loved has blurred any memory of what it was like the last time your tank was full.
Memories of behaviors or actions that bring warmth to your heart are indicators of how you like to be loved. If you miss the way your partner used to put their arm around you, you may desire more physical touch. If you smile when thinking about the picnics you used to have in the park, you may be wishing for more quality time.
Do the same for your partner. Another thing to do with your partner is regularly check the level of your love tanks. A few nights a week, ask each other what level your love tank is on a scale of 1 to 10. Then, ask each other what you might do to improve it that evening.
You may find you and your partner have many requests, but the requests that fall into the same category the most will likely be your love languages. Once you answer “What is my love language?” and find your partner’s love language, it’s important to know how to speak and use them.
Once you discover your partner’s primary language, remembering to use it solely to fill the love tank is vital. Complimenting your Words of Affirmation partner to soften them up or get them to do something for you is manipulative. For instance, telling your partner they’re better with money so you don’t have to take responsibility for your finances is an action that benefits you, not them.
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Sometimes it can be hard to understand our partners. They do say opposites attract, but at times, it can feel like they are from a different planet! So how do we really connect with them if they are so different? That's where the 5 Love Languages can have such a powerful impact on your relationship.
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What’s your love language at work? By now, many of us have taken a few common personality quizzes to dive deeper into who we are, how we view ourselves, and how we live and work with others. The five love languages, as described in the book, are: Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Quality Time Receiving Gifts Physical Touch I started thinking about this as a cutesy joke, but then I thought, maybe there is more to this.
Some of your coworkers might be really into discussing their workplace love language. Others? They might not be as into discussing something so "woo-woo." The good news is that you can still get a pretty good feeling about someone's workplace love language by asking these three questions: How does this person What does this person What does this person By considering these questions, you can make a pretty good guess about what someone's workplace love language might be—and make small adjustments to work better with them.
Often, we find ourselves sending the “can you not?” email or having the “for future reference” conversation. These exchanges tend to happen as a result of stressful situations, looming deadlines, and general frustration. So, what if we did a fun exercise that identified everyone’s workplace love language before we ran into problems? What if, every time a new team member joined the team, we had a meeting that rejiggered and streamlined how we communicate and how best to take care of business? If this all sounds a little too naive and precious to you, don’t worry—there’s a love language for you, too.
When done authentically, the workplace languages will become contagious. The first love language is normally words of affirmation. We think this fits perfectly into the workplace as is—for the most part. However, unlike a romantic relationship, the workplace is not exactly the environment to dole praise out when it’s undeserved or when it actually worsens the problem.
Lately, as I look around and speak with my friends and coworkers, I’ve seen everyone’s confidence start to wane a little. I think we should derive most of our confidence from within. However, I also think it’s fine to get some affirmation from the outside. To put it in dessert terms, we should be able to make our confidence sundae and allow outside influence to be the whipped cream, sprinkles, or the cherry on top.
In the workplace, this falls into the “non-work” category. This is taking time for non-work-related 1:1 meetings. This is following up with your coworker about their new puppy. This is taking the time for the personal. Last, but certainly not least. Sometimes, the best way to refresh morale is by encouraging time off work.
We’re not here to say that there is no place for a celebratory gift certificate to your favorite coffee shop. Physical gifts are a great reminder of someone caring for you, thinking of you, and bringing you a physical manifestation of that care. In the workplace, we think the best “gifts” can be new opportunities.
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We reworked the acts of service love language into support and care. This language is for someone who really believes that actions speak louder than words. Support, in the workplace, might look like checking in with someone who is struggling or over-worked. Unlike some other love languages, support includes action.
I think we all knew that physical touch was going to be the love language we couldn’t translate into the workplace. The so-called language of physical touch is not something we want to explore too much in the workplace—besides a fist bump or a perceptible head nod in a video call.
It actually goes back to the affection you received as a child. For the workplace, we replaced physical touch with encouragement. Think of the phone call or the email you received when you got the job. The hiring manager likely summarizes what they loved about you, what they hope to see from you, and how excited they are for you to start working.
Encouragement can be touchpoints or compliments regularly infused into the workweek. A well-timed fist bump to celebrate a big win Making eye contact and smiling when doling out praise in front of others Words of appreciation when someone gets a promotion, a raise, or another milestone Regular 1:1 meetings to check in and speak about real-life things, outside of work .
The idea that there are five distinct “love languages” may be as familiar to some people today as the idea that there are seven continents, four seasons, or three Stooges—which is a pretty spectacular showing, all told, for a concept that was introduced in a 1992 book by a Southern Baptist pastor that was aimed mostly at married Christian couples.
In a recent Vice story about how the love-languages theory got so popular, for example, the author used zodiac terminology to talk about her love language, identifying herself as “an ‘acts of service,’ with a ‘words of affirmation’ rising.”This self-focused way of discussing love languages is very different from what the concept’s inventor seems to have intended.
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But, based on my experience, it seems Chapman is sitting on yet another best-seller waiting to be written: the friendship edition. The gist of the concept is that people don't receive love the same way, but rather via one or several love languages: quality time (conversations, activities, undivided attention); acts of service (folding laundry, making dinner, arranging a group birthday gift); receiving gifts (cards, treats, anything that communicates the other person wants to make you happy); words of affirmation (positive feedback, gassing, saying "I love you"); and physical touch (hugs, handshakes, pats on the back).
That stands for everyone in your life, including friends.” —Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT “The better you know yourself, the better you can help others know you. And the more others know you, the more they are able to love you the way you want,” Hendrix says. “That stands for everyone in your life, including friends.” Keep reading to learn more about how knowing your love language can make you a better friend.
It's less about the $$$ and more about the your ears the eff on.
Or maybe he likes having her elbow cupped or back rubbed. Whatever it is, make sure the touching (with consent) is in such a way they find comforting (as opposed to irritating). Knowing your friend's love language comes down to being able to communicate that you care in the way they best value.
The concept of love languages is based on the premise that people give and receive love in different ways. If we learn our preferences and those of our loved ones, we can identify the root of conflicts, connect more profoundly and grow closer to those around us, according to .
An offer of help is a breath of fresh air. Performing a household chore can be perceived as an act of love. On the contrary, causing more work sends a message that you do not care. Know a person who is always reaching out with hugs, pats on the back, and other forms of appropriate touch? That person’s love language is most likely physical touch.
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Those with this love language are deeply hurt by a missed birthday, anniversary, or hasty, thoughtless gifts. They view gifts as visual representations of love. Not sure which love language is yours? Take the love language quiz to find out, www. 5lovelanguages.com/quizzes. Lisa Tedrick Prejean writes a weekly column for The Herald-Mail.
com. Follow her on Twitter @Lisa_Prejean.
Do you love a cosy night in with your partner, or would you rather a steamy night between the sheets? Whichever one you choose could be very telling, according to relationship counsellor Gary Chapman. His 1992 book, – which is currently enjoying a surge in popularity on Tik, Tok – claims there are five different ways that people show affection and commitment to their partner.
“In other words, in our particular love language.“Though it isn’t science-based, we do all have our preferences for expressing and receiving romantic feelings. By identifying your love language, and that of your partner, you can learn to give your partner love in the ways that they can best receive it, and ask them to give you love in the ways that you can receive it.
“It’s fairly common, but when this is the case there are a few things that can make it easier. Make sure you learn how you both like to receive love and communicate your needs with each other.“For instance, if you are someone who needs words of affirmation to feel loved, but your partner is more of a gift-giver, then you can learn to understand how to communicate differently and when to see that your partner is trying to show love.“Likewise, if your partner’s love language is quality time, ensure that you carve out an evening for a date together to show your appreciation and affection rather than, for instance, buying them a big gift.“It’s also important to embrace your differences and compromise.
If all else fails, then go straight to the source: the love language quiz (via 5 Love Languages). The quiz takes less than five minutes and by the time it's over you will not only have discovered your primary language, but what percentage of the other four languages you are — that is if you answered honestly.
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And the best part about love languages is they're not just for couples. Love languages can help strengthen friendships too. "Just like in a romantic relationship, it's helpful to understand and know what makes our friends feel happy and loved," therapist Nicole Sbordone, LCSW tells Hello Giggles. "So when we honor our friend's love language, we make them feel cared for and vice versa ...
Chapman's theory on love languages is up to you. But, even if you're a little bit intrigued in how it might make your relationships with people better, then the first step is determining your own love language and going from there.
This tendency doesn't mean that you are a very touchy-feely person. But you do need to be touched and it means the world to you. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physicality is just crucial to you.
By now, you probably know a thing or two about love languages. The phrase comes from the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate that Gary Chapman, Ph, D, wrote in 1992. In Chapman's book, he claimed that people speak one of five love languages: acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts.
(And if you don't know yours, you can take this free test here.) For today's article, we're dissecting everything there is to know about the "acts of service" love language—from what it means, examples of acts of service, and some extra dating tips and tricks if this is your love language.
“It means that you either feel loved by or enjoy caring for your loved ones by doing practical actions that will help them in some way or that you believe that they will appreciate or enjoy,” says Samantha Kingma, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Rest + Renew Therapy.
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For me personally, my love language is acts of service, and I feel most appreciated and loved by my partner when he does things for me. Like, if he sees I’m overwhelmed with work or familial situations, and he takes over making dinner that specific night just so I don't have to worry about it, it's so hot.
There are a few dead giveaways that acts of service is your or your partner’s love language. For one, you could just take the test to see yourself. But if not, generally, “if you feel loved when others notice things they can do to help you out, and you tend to feel overlooked when people don't pitch in to help you complete tasks, you may experience love primarily through acts of service," says Kingma.
Some easy things you can do for your partner whose love language is acts of service are: doing the disheschecking in on them during a stressful day at workmaking them a cup of coffee in the morningtaking out the trashpicking them up from the airport planning a vacation taking care of them when they’ve come down with a cold or had dental surgery, Trust me, as someone whose love language is acts of service, it really doesn’t matter what you do, they just want to feel appreciated and helped.
Like I said, communicating your love language to your partner and telling them about what makes you feel most loved should help. They want someone who is going to understand when they are overwhelmed and do tangible things to make their life easier—without them necessarily having to ask. For them, this could look like taking on the daily chores when they're busy, picking up their dry-cleaning when they've had a long day at work already, and/or throwing their towel in the dryer so it's warm for when they get out of the shower.
Additionally, licensed psychologist Marcuetta Sims says: “Pay attention. One of the best ways to really engage in acts of service is being able to predict the pattern of behaviors and intervene without being asked.” Dr. Sims explains that you should communicate that to your partner. "A lot of people just engage in their acts of service to show their partner what it means, but that doesn't work if your partner has a different love language.
Because depending on what it is, "this may be perceived as crossing a boundary or overstepping,” she explained. “To make sure that you are able to truly express love effectively with acts of service, remember to check in with your partner to make sure the action you are taking will be a true help to them, and that they are willing to allow you to help in this way, Kingma adds.
The Basic Principles Of What Are The 5 Love Languages? For All Relationships
"If your partner does not want help with something, be mindful that this is not a rejection, and that there are likely many other ways your partner would feel comfortable with you helping and showing love.” Love languages are really not like the zodiac where select signs are compatible with each other.
Sims. "It's about humbling yourself enough to know that you will need to learn a different language, even if that's not your natural tendency. It also means that you might have to put in some extra work. There's a lot of effort in the beginning if you don't speak the same language." However, even if you speak the same love language, it could mean different things for each partner.
No, not necessarily. But you both will need to put in the work to make the relationship last by first telling each other your love languages, your expectations, and wants. This can save you plenty of arguments, trust me. But that said, you will also need to understand their love language.
So yes, people with different love languages can make it work as much as people with the same ones. A relationship, no matter the love language, is about taking care of the other person and helping them grow. Learning each other's love languages is a great way to start. Sophia is a freelance writer based in New York City with experience in writing everything from beauty and lifestyle to health and wellness.
What makes for a good, lasting marriage? I can’t speak for everyone, and I don’t believe there’s just one magical thing. But my husband and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and I can share something that’s helped us: We’ve learned how to express our emotions in ways that are meaningful to each other.
You might know of Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages. My husband and I put it to the test 11 years ago, and I wrote about it for Web, MD. As our marriage hit the quarter-of-a-century milestone, we gave Chapman's method another try. Have the love languages held up to the test of time? Thirty years ago, Chapman, a marriage and family therapist in Winston-Salem, NC, came up with five categories of things he'd noticed during his counseling sessions that couples want from each other: compliments or words of encouragement their partner's undivided attention symbols of love, like flowers or chocolatessetting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small jobs having sex, holding hands, kissing Chapman wrote about them in his book.
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But that was then. What about now? Would the love languages still hold true for my marriage? For relationships in general? A lot has changed since Chapman’s book came out. And technology is a big part of that."We're all so tied to our phones that if we've got a free moment, we're more likely looking at the phone than looking at each other," Chapman said when I recently spoke with him again.
But first, we took the 5 Love Languages Quiz again. This time, our results weren’t identical. My husband scored highest on physical touch. Quality time came up first again for me, but words of affirmation was a very close second."I think there are seasons of life, and perhaps circumstances, that will affect the love language," Chapman says.
He told me every day how much he loves and appreciates me. I asked my husband if his love tank is full. It is. So is mine. In the book, Chapman says his technique has the potential to save "thousands of marriages." Can it? I came into the process with an already solid marriage that just needed a little tweaking.
He believes we can change our relationships for the better, no matter how rocky they are."What the love language does is give you the most powerful way to have a positive influence on your spouse, because you're addressing one of their most powerful needs: the need for love," he says.
"However, couples with very poor communication and problem-solving skills, or in very damaged relationships with years of unresolved resentments and frequent arguing, should not expect them to work in the same way."Some couples have to sort out their basic issues and understand things like their goals, patterns, and perceptions before they can be a team that works well, Nise says.
"This is just another tool to help you enhance the relationship, and particularly to enhance the emotional part of the relationship."So if you and your partner want to explore your love languages, go into it with the understanding that it's a nice way to reconnect, but it isn't a quick fix.
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Do you have a friend who says they’d take a clean kitchen over flowers any day when you’d prefer a little romance? That right there is a basic example of different love languages. We all express and receive love differently and those differences could be the reason why feelings and good intentions sometimes get lost in translation.
They just communicate their love differently — or have a different love language. Recognizing how you and a partner like to receive and express love could lead to more thoughtful connections and a healthy relationship — not to mention less explosive birthdays and Valentines. There are five love languages as first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr.
What matters is that you acknowledge them through words. For a partner, it could mean telling them you love them more often or checking in throughout the day to tell them you’re thinking of them. For a friend, words of affirmation could mean a text to say “You’ll be great!” before a job interview or complimenting them on their outfit.
A person whose love language is quality time may feel most loved and appreciated when people they care about make time to be together and give their undivided attention. Quality time may be one of your love languages if:You feel disconnected when you don’t spend enough time with a partner.
You work hard at making time to spend with others. Quality time looks different to everyone. Some people value a few minutes of dedicated time to just sit and relax together at the end of the day. For others, quality time means setting aside time to enjoy activities together. No matter what you’re doing, quality time requires being completely present and free of distractions.
Let’s be clear that this is appropriate, consensual physical touch, which looks different depending on the situation and the type of relationship you have with the person. For people whose love language is physical touch, expressing and receiving love through physical contact is important. Touch is the way they connect and feel connected with others.
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Only touch someone or use these examples if they’ve conveyed they’re wanted and welcome. Acts of service is the fourth love language, and this one will resonate if you believe with your heart of hearts that actions always speak louder than words. By actions, this means doing selfless, thoughtful things for the other person.
These are some signs that acts of service may be your love language:You’re over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked. You’re the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day. You’re always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.
Here are examples of ways you can use acts of service to love on others:Taking them to dinner without it being a special occasion or asked for. Drawing a partner a bubble bath without any sexpectations. Offering to babysit for a friend so they can enjoy a much-deserved break. Letting them choose which movie to watch, even if it’s “Star Wars” and you hate “Star Wars.”Picking up their favorite flowers/soap/wine/chocolate/whatever, just because.
It needs to be said that this love language is not reserved for the greedy or so-called “gold diggers.” For someone whose love language is gifts, it goes way beyond just wanting stuff. For this person, it’s all about the meaning behind the gift and the thought that went into it.
Signs that receiving gifts is your love language:When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift. You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small. You’re hurt when someone you love doesn’t commemorate an event with a thoughtful token. Showing love through gifts isn’t about extravagance.
While we all have our own ways of expressing love, they don’t necessarily fit neatly into one of the five presets laid out in a time when women were historically more likely to serve and men were better equipped — financially speaking — to give gifts. If you’re looking for better understanding and communication in a relationship, the original love languages can be a good start, but there are other tools you can use.